Divorce is
never easy for a couple, but it can be even more difficult and upsetting if
there are children involved. Divorce often isn’t a decision that’s taken
lightly, and while it may be in your best interests for the family, the process
can still be tricky to navigate.
Children can
be upset about their parents divorcing at any age, but it can be particularly
upsetting or confusing for them while they’re young. While it can be more
damaging to stay in an unhappy marriage for the sake of the children, it’s
important to carefully manage the divorce process to avoid any emotional damage
to children involved.
Luckily, there’s
plenty of help out there to help smooth things over for everyone; from divorce
mediation or couples counselling to professional child custody lawyers who can
help you come to an agreement. If you want to know more about the steps you can
take to protect your children during a divorce, see our handy guide below.
What is child custody?
Child custody is the
legal term used to describe how children are legally and physically looked
after by one or both parents following a divorce. Some couples may choose to
split child custody 50/50, or one parent may have sole custody, while the other
has visitation rights. In some extreme cases, a child or children will be
looked after exclusively by one parent and have no contact with the other, but
this is usually due to issues such as neglect or drug abuse. Custody is split
into two different forms; legal custody and physical custody, which we will discuss
below.
Legal custody
This refers
to the legal rights of parents or guardians to make decisions about a child,
such as healthcare, where they go to school, religious upbringing and medical
decisions. Legal custody can be split (which requires both parents to agree on
major decisions regardless of who the child lives with most of the time), or
sole (one parent can make decisions without the other’s permission).
Physical custody
Physical custody
refers to where a child lives, and how they are cared for day-to-day. Sole
physical custody means that a child lives with one parent 100% of the time, but
the other may have visitation rights. Joint physical custody is an agreement
where both parents look after the child for roughly equal amounts of time and
both parents are classed as a custodial parent. If one parent has sole custody,
the other is classed as the non-custodial parent, even if they have visiting
rights.
How to minimise the damage of divorce
Divorce is
unfortunately necessary in some relationships and it can be far more damaging
for children to live with two unhappy parents. Even so, it’s important to take
steps to ensure that children are as unaffected by the change in circumstances
as possible. Children often feel upset, confused and can blame themselves for
their parent’s divorce, but you can guide them through this difficult time with
the right steps. See below for some things you can do to ensure children stay
as secure and healthy as possible.
Talk to the children first
Children often need
a lot of reassurance and they’ll need even more during such a turbulent time.
It’s important to sit children down before you begin any divorce proceedings
and explain the situation using age-appropriate language. Parents don’t need to
go into gritty details about why the divorce is happening, but children do need
to know that both their parents love them and that isn’t going to change.
Also, allow children
to ask questions and reassure them that difficult feelings like anger or
sadness are natural and expected.
Attend mediation or counselling
Even if you feel
you’re on good terms with your ex-partner, attending mediation sessions or
family counselling can do wonders for everyone involved. Calm, civil parents
are what’s needed if children are struggling during a divorce, and mediation
can help you achieve this. You can also think about individual therapy or
counselling for the children if they are finding the situation particularly
difficult.
Avoid criticising your partner
As tempting as it
might be (especially if there was infidelity or other difficult behaviour
involved), parents should not bad mouth or criticise their partner in front of
the children. Criticising your ex in front of your child can leave them feeling
uncomfortable, guilty or like they’re being asked to take sides.
You should also
avoid using children as a ‘go-between’ to find out information about your ex,
such as whether they have a new partner or how they’re coping with the divorce.
Stick to normal routines
Children need
stability, so it’s important to try and stick to their regular routine as much
as possible during divorce proceedings. Try and maintain everyday routines like
the school run, stick to the same mealtimes and encourage children to keep up
with regular hobbies and seeing friends.
Don’t argue in front of the children
Children should
never witness arguments if possible, and remaining civil and amicable is one of
the best things you can do to minimise damage. It’s been shown that children
witnessing conflict or shouting between parents is one aspect of divorce which
causes the most harm, so make conscious efforts to put the children first,
communicate calmly and foster a healthy relationship as co-parents.
Get professional help from a solicitor
If you’re struggling
to come to a custody agreement, then it may be time to get a professional
solicitor involved. A family or child law solicitor
will be able to negotiate a civil settlement regarding custody or care
proceedings and work with you to ensure that children don’t get caught in the
middle.
They can also help
couples with the division of assets, provide legal guidance and advice, and
arrange for family mediation if required.
Let them know they can talk to you
While adults will
have a lot to deal with during a divorce or legal separation, it’s important
that your children feel they can approach you if needed. Keep communication
very open, and while you can’t force children to open up, it’s important to
emphasise that both their parents love them and are here to provide
reassurance. They may have a lot of questions about the separation; answer as
honestly as possible but bear in mind things should be kept age-appropriate and
devoid of blame.
Don’t be afraid to seek support for yourself
It’s important that
the adults involved seek their own support if they’re struggling and there are
many organisations which can help including Relate, Divorce Aid or a divorce
solicitor who can arrange mediation for you. Parents may also wish to seek individual
or couples counselling to help them work through the process.
If you’re looking for a reliable and
professional child law or divorce solicitor in Nottingham or Loughborough, get
in touch with the team at Hawley and Rodgers. Our experienced team of family
lawyers are on your side and can work with you to ensure you come to a divorce
or child custody agreement that’s in everyone’s best interests. To arrange an
appointment or find out how we can assist you with a custody agreement, give us
a call today or
find out more on our website.
